The First Step

(The setting is a drafty church basement on Devon Avenue, Chicago. A handful of people sit on plastic chairs arranged in a circle and a lady in a plum colored sweater named Chris is talking)

Chris: Welcome to Biriani Eater's Anonymous. We hope you find this a safe, nurturing environment where no one feels threatened and all are listened to equally. Please state your name and tell us what brought you here today.

Iffat: My name is Charlene OOPS 'm sorry it's Iffat.

Chris: ( With knowing look) You don't have to use your real name if you don't want to.

Iffat: No, Iffat IS my name, You see I just changed my religion and my name but I keep forgetting.

Chris: What brought you here today?

Iffat: I'm from Minnesota, I grew up eating salads and stews. But I fell in love with a Muzzlim guy and converted to Islam. I love Islam, it's a perfect religion and has brought such meaning to my life. I started to cover my hair and learned how to pray but there's just one thing I could not get the hang of. Pakistani food. But my husband wouldn't eat a thing I made. Sometimes I would prepare a soufflee from scratch or whip up a casserole- straight into the trash.

(Collective applause)

Iffat: So I got a cookbook from the local library, took a class and got pretty good at it. Biriani became my specialty.

( Group begins to salivate at mention of B word)

Chris:: Sounds idyllic. Where's the problem?

Iffat:Well I'm studying for my Phd in Arabic.

Chris: Ah yes.

Iffat: And I just don't have time for preparing such elaborate meals daily.

Chris: I can see that would be a problem.

Chris: Maybe you both need some intervention. Could you bring your husband in?

Iffat:Well I suggested it..and he said it would be a bunch of losers in a church basement talking about how they had no self control. And then he carried on eating his second plate of biriani.

Chris: Well you can go back to him tonight and prove him wrong. As you can see, we are certainly not a bunch of losers. ( Looks over to group, one man is chewing his nails, another is drooling over an image of a bowl of khorma on his Ipad. Then Chris turns to another young man)

Well, welcome to the group. Now, please state your name and tell us about yourself.

Kevin Well me name's Kevin.

Chris:: Kevin, have you come all the way from the United Kingdom?

Kevin: Well yeah, it's a bit embarassing really. I just can't stop eating...er you know... You see me mum's not exactly a gourmet chef. When I was a nipper most days she made pie mash and eel. Fridays was the worst. She'd make bubble and sqeak.

Chris:That sounds so quaint and charming.

Kevin It's potatoes mashed up with brussel sprouts and cabbage leaves.

Chris:(Shuddering) Please continue.

Kevin: So anyway, I didn't know there was anyfink else out there. Me and me mates would go down to the corner chippy on a Saturday night and 'ave some cod and chips or a servin of mushy peas. Well then one day me bruvver 'Arry says the chippy's closed down and some pakis 'ave bought the place and turned it into a bloody Tandoori restaurant.

Chris:I can see how this may have led to potential harm.

Kevin: Oh no you got it all wrong, love, we wasn't interested in no paki food, we used to be skinneads back in the day before all that bloody multicultural wallop come along. So me and me mates was gonna go over to what used to be the chippy to scare the new owner a bit.

Chris: Ahem, here in the United States that would be known as a hate crime and would constitute a civil rights violation.

Kevin: Oh no, love just a couple of stink bombs, some graffiti on the walls, you know- nuffink too mental.

Chris: ( Looking at watch) Go on.

Kevin The weird fing is, we get to the restaurant and there's this lovely smell coming out the door and we go in and the owner, flippin Lord Krishna is standing be'ind the counter 'olding a plate of curry. So I put down me can of spray paint and try some, you know to be polite like me mum taught me and blimey, it was the most amazing thing I'd ever tasted. Even better than beans on toast. Then he went and done it, didnt E?

Chris: ( hesitatingly) Er what did he go and done- er I mean -do?

Kevin Brings out a dish of lamb biriani...tells me just to taste one bite.

Iffat: That's how they get you ( fakes a Pakistani accent) Just one bite, sister.

Kevin:Next thing I knew I was hooked. I went in there to do some paki bashing and I come out hooked on their flippin kwizeeen. Now me mum's all upset coz I won't eat any of her food. Christmas is the worst. She had to actually freeze the turkey coz I brought one of those ready made Taj Mahal brand dinners from Marks and Spencers instead.

Chris: Such irony.

Kevin: I even started going on Biriani Crawls with me mates. ( All sigh at B word again) We spend hours sampling food from the local kebabb houses.

Chris: ( looking bored) Sounds like a blast. Where's the problem?

Kevin: It's me mum, she's taking it all personal like. I mean I TRY to eat her spam fritters when I come home but I just can't seem to get excited about them any more. I keep sneaking in a plate of pillau when she's not looking. But she's me mum, she knows flippin everything.

So now she's threatening to exclude me from her will unless I give up the spicy food.

Chris: Really? How do the inheritance laws work in Europe?

Kevin: Well I wouldn't mind giving up the 2 bedroom terraced house off Peckham High Street if it meant a lifetime of eating biriani in peace. But it's the signed photo of Bobby Charlton just after he led Man United to the F.A. cup. I'd have to see that handed over to our "Arry instead. It'd break me.

Chris: Does this relate to a soccer team?

Kevin: Well anyway, I decided biriani's not going to get the better of me. Then my cousin Tom reads about this really good lawyer on the internet who works in Chicago.

So I used all me savings to come here. The cheapest hotel was in the Devon area.

(It's not exactly like the Devon in England. Not a tea house or a pot of clotted cream in sight). I went and saw him and he told me what I already knew. I'd have to stay away from all types of Asian food- while me mum's still alive anyway.

Chris: It seems like you have come to a sort of acceptance now. This is the first stage of ridding ourselves of our dependencies.

Kevin: I wish I could rid meself of the smell coming from my jacket. ( All nod in sympathy)

Yeah well, I'd been doing really well, 'staying off the wagon' as you Americans say. Hadn't had as much as a whiff of cumin all week. But last night I went for a walk outside the hotel. I couldn't believe it. There was this sign. It said:

"Kareems. The best biriani in the Chicagoland area."

Whole group ( holding breath): And?

Kevin: I sort of over did it. I only meant to ave a spoonful or two but then the waitress brought out the raita and that was it. I found myself in an alleyway with yoggert all round me mouth. Even the joint and the 2 bottles of Jack Daniels didn't appeal any more. Then I see the notice on the church door this morning. "Biriani Eaters Anonymous" I'm not a religious man but I took it as a sign that I needed-you know- help so here I am.

Chris (mentally exhausted): Welcome Kevin.

Chris observes an older gentleman shaking his head: Is everything all right?

Shahnawaz Well I was just looking around and thinking that Islam would solve all the problems here if only people would understand. You see that lady over there. She is new to Islam. If she had more knowledge about the practices of our Prophet she would know that you are supposed to eat mere morsels and that one third of the stomach should be left empty after a meal.

Chris: I see. Er what is your name?

Shahnawaz: My name is Dr Shahnawaz Shameem M.D. I am cardiologist. I am the top in my field. I was gold medalist in Madras. I went to Stanford for my undergraduate degree then I went to medical school in Kansas.

Chris: What brought you here this evening?

Shahnawaz: Well my specialty is aortic valve stenosis. I also wrote a paper that was published by the American Medical Journal. It outlines how a diet high in trans fats can clog the aortic valve causing coronary disease.

Chris (yawning) This is fascinating but why are you here?

Kevin: Can't practice what I preach. My test results indicate that if I don't stop eating biriani I could die of a heart attack.

Chris: I see. Well, er welcome, Dr. Does anyone have anything to add, it is only by sharing with each other that we can heal collectively.

Shahnawaz: Well you see I was just pondering on how this gentleman, Kevin, how his experience relates to Islamic history. He went to torment one Pakistani brother but ended up becoming a fan of the cooking. Similarly there was an enemy of the prophet who was coming to kill him but when he heard the glorious Quran he decided to embrace Islam instead.

Chris: Thank you, Dr. That was beautiful. The second step of this program IS the realization that only a power greater than ourselves can restore our sanity.
(Chris smiles at group)

This week's homework assignment is called "Cleaning out our Spice Rack" where you will be ridding your shelves of all ethnic spices and condiments: cardamom pods, red chillies, turmeric- anything that has been problematic in your life.

We will conduct next week's session outside where there will be a large symbolic bonfire. There will be a follow up home visit which I will be conducting so please be diligent. The only spices I will accept are basil, oregano and possibly marjoram.

Kevin: What's bay-zel?

Iffat whispers to Kevin: Bazzil, that's bazzil.

Kevin: Why can't you people speak proper English?

Chris: ( Visibly fatigued) We will end with a group prayer, please hold hands.

Shahnawaz: It is impermissible for me to make physical contact with a non Muslim woman. I and Iffat will sit next to each other and she can hold onto my stethoscope.

Curtain Falls.