Very Important Table

It is summer in Chicago and that means only one thing.

Swimming? Sailing? Weekend getaways to Wisconsin?

No. No and er NO!?

I am talking about over the top Indian weddings.

Am I the only one who longs for the simplicity of yesteryear?

Everything has become more complex- even seating arrangements.It used to be that the newly weds would sit at a long head table and there would be a carefully selected group of relatives and close friends who would be asked to be seated at this most coveted place.

But as families grew, arguments began to arise.

Why did Aunty Shaestha get picked and not Khala Razia?

Khala Razia had surely sewn the sequins on the bride's dress and taught her how to make haleem.

But clearly, that wasn't enough to get her a place at the rectangular haven.

What about Uncle Khaleel -hadn't he given given the groom free legal advice when he got into that tricky accident during his sophomore year?

But poor Uncle Khaleel still had to sit on a regular round table with the masses.

Soon there were full scale family rifts occurring. So banquet halls came up with a clever idea.

The Sweetheart Table: A Two Chaired Solution.

The happy couple never really wanted anyone to sit with other relatives anyway.

They just wanted to gaze into each other's eyes and contemplate the joy of their existence.

As for food- which bride would be thinking about palak paneer when she had finally nabbed the man of her dreams.

And the groom? His thoughts would probably not be entirely centered around spinach.

Thus the two-seater ended up solving a multitude of problems.

Mainly, it kept families intact throughout the beginning of the new milennium.

But somewhere around 2005, the elite got wise.

These people who needed to feel important were left feeling like "everyone else". Assigned seating was not an option mainly because no South Asian wanted to be seen wearing reading glasses.

But there was help at hand!

Enter the VITs: Very Important Tables. These would be the three or four tables closest to the stage with the best view of the wedding duo and the general proceedings. The only distinguishing characteristic would be the small 'reserved' sign to the right of the centerpiece. Geting a seat at such a table would be the equivalent of flying first class instead of coach.

Therefore, access to these tables would usually limited to a very select group:

1)The Dear Elderly and Frail (D.E.A.F.)

Eastern culture demands respect for our elders and what better way to give it than to seat them at the V.I.T.

These senior citizens almost certainly go into a coma upon finally reaching the table since they will have walked almost the length of the banquet hall. Furthermore, they are closest to some pretty powerful sub woofers and probably won't hear a thing anyway. (Clearly they will not want to wear a hearing aid at a fancy event).

Vision and memory may also dwindling for these geriatric party animals so do not be surprised if you hear them call out:

"Who is that person who just said salam to me? My brother you say?"

Also do not be alarmed if these elders have lost all sense of decorum and exclaim randomly:

"THAT's the bride? but she's so dark!"

Nevertheless, the wedding party loves the idea of seating these beloved elders at the important table even if they have to use a whole extra chair for an oxygen tank.

2) N.O.K. Next of kin

Siblings, parents and very close relatives of the bride and groom.

Don't get me wrong. These ARE important guests.

But they will never actually sit down. Their tasks are split between welcoming late-comers, adjusting the bride's flowers and yelling at the photographer.

So that would be a total of seven wasted seats right there.

3) PWTTANOK (People who think they are next of kin)

These are (usually) middle aged ladies who seem to have become stuck to their chairs with an adhesive more potent than super-glue. They will not even make eye contact with you, much less get up to greet you- in case you take their seat. They will guard that chair like a hen guards her eggs. They may demand a tax return of everyone lucky to be in their immediate vicinity. If someone earning less than six figures tries to save a place with a handbag or shawl around their table of glory, the PWTTANOK will remove the item whether Prada or Pashmina-and place it on a lesser table.

Do NOT embarass yourself by crying out:

"But Aunty, it's just a chair!"

It is not just a chair. It is their life and you just made a mockery of it.

4) Out of Town guests-

People who were actually just in town for a dentistry conference or the birth of their first grandchild but ended up coming to the wedding because a relative convinced them to. If you have traveled over state lines or flown internationally-you have the right to sit at the V.I.T- even if you have no idea whose wedding you are attending.

You may need to show a boarding pass or signs of jet lag but if you have gone through airport security within a week of the wedding, you can sit at the VIT. You should refrain from nodding off while mumbling-

"It''s 3 am where I came from!" You are lucky to be there. You should wake up and enjoy the cake cutting ceremony.

5) (YAWN) Your Amiable (White) Neighbor.

This poor soul will have been sitting in the banquet hall since it opened up at 5pm. The host should take pity on them, pick them up before they fall over with starvation and seat them at the V.I.T. Mainly, they might also need them to be a witness at the Nikkah ceremony as no one but the bride, groom and the imam might actually have arrived by the time the proceedings begin.

6) The Speech Giver

This is usually a young man whom you will end up hating by the time the evening is over.

He will be seated at the V.I.T.because he will supposedly entertain the audience with a hilarious tale from the groom's college days.

This will not exactly be of the caliber of Steve Carrell or Mitch Hedburg.

In actuality, it may involve an anecdote about how this former room-mate put salt instead of sugar on the groom's corn flakes.Do try to refrain from handing this comedic genius a flyer for your local Toastmasters group when he walks by your table ( which is probably situated somewhere near the dessert table and the door).

Also, pulling out the extension cord leading to the P.A. system is particularly frowned upon.

All in all, by the time summer has come to a close, you may begin to hold the opinion that the entire institution of marriage is over-rated.