Picking Up the Pieces Part 2: Good Grief

Don't cry they say because crying means you're sad 

and then you make others sad and  

grief is contagious and others might catch it.

Try to find things to make yourself less sad.

Pray a lot and watch lots of religious lectures but don't ever ever question God's will. 

As though loss leads straight to kufr. 

They tell her to stay busy. Hobbies, volunteering. Look try to help others as it will distract you from your own grief .

So she goes out into the world.

And she pulls herself together and wipes her tears and convinces herself  she is a functioning member of the human race. She forces herself to be in the community; is empowered and comforted.

And then the world sees her smile and the world is convinced that she is fine now, forgets her years of caregiving and isolation. 

Forgets how her whole universe was x rays, inhalers, respiratory therapy, wheelchairs and nutrition.

And so the world has forgotten, dismisses her loss. Assumes the widow has forgotten too or that she probably didn't care that much for her husband anyway. (Didn't they like argue a lot? They weren't totally compatible were they)

If they only knew that every day is a struggle for her. That nothing in the world matters any more for right now and that she is just living out her days for her family.

That she is desperately trying to simply find a place in a now unfamiliar world.

Then they judge her for being overly independent or for her increased opportunities or something -who knows what.

Oh looks like you're socializing/volunteering/having a blast. You're never home. They made you chair of the interfaith committee. Wow, do you have the time for this. Don't take on too much, now. Know your limits. I mean you ARE getting older.

( Didn't they want her to stay busy??)

So let's get this straight -don't cry but definitely cry a bit-but not too much.

Then the first year is over. No more special treatment. 

It's time to stop grieving, they tell her, so she hides her emotions. 

I mean they know that the Quran says take care of widows and orphans but this one seems fine and come on the kids are older, what could they possibly need. 

And even though the old saying goes don’t kick someone when they’re down.

They do it anyway. 

But the good news is 

when that someone is at their lowest point, 

broken down as far as they can go.

It appears they can't sink any further. 

So words, accusations, the dunya, they all 

just slide off  her back.

That's how she develops a thick skin. 

By having nothing left. 

Nothing to lose.

"Nowhere to go but up, " she says dusting herself off.

Don't cry they say because crying makes them sad.

And when they are sad they might have to face their own reality 

and then what?